Moving Back to Virginia (The First Time)

It’s really weird being back in Forest Hill but it doesn’t feel bad it just feels comfortable. 3200 is so close. 

It’s time to work this through.

I guess it’s not that simple            It was a really specific gap of time that I was gone. Sometimes it feels like that wasn’t real. Like I just went through a portal and now I’m here, unaccomplished. It shouldn’t have to be so hard grieving your childhood. I shouldn’t even have to, right? It’s just so gone. It’s not grown out, it's just disappeared. And that’s hard to grasp. How can you come back home when there’s nothing to go back to? I feel like I was encased in amber while the rest of the world kept turning and spinning and eclipsing and changing and now I’m here

Out of amber

Out of ideas

I didn’t anticipate how it would be with my dad gone but I don’t think I anticipated a lot of things. I can’t blame it all on him. That’s just lazy.

Someone I vaguely know is here. I don’t like the feeling of that. An immediate memory of when we met at ashby with Jasmine. I was sitting on a blue couch and my friends were looking at rings. I think. That’s how it always is.

This dream that I had a sudden guilt of not chasing is not there anymore. Not right now. Strongly not right now. I need to go home and my first and only home I gave to myself is Oahu. I can’t forget that but I can't live in the past.

 It’s not no going back. You can always go back. I think it’s fair to follow your soul and look for god.

I think it’s hard knowing better. It may be good for you but it’s no help in passing the time. I miss Alex's house and getting high in his attic and sitting on the trampoline and it being ethereal despite how strange I knew it was. I remember going to the river that day and things being easy. Maybe that was another day. I remember rolling a joint on a Clash cd in the passenger seat of my car at the train station. The lights were moving. You used the knife I used to carry around to cut it up. Things used to be so easy. Self awareness is a curse. Hilariously adolescent.